May_21 My Guest Blogger . . .
This blog was written, at my request, by Maria Mellano, one of my colleagues and a friend. She is sharing her relationship with some of the paintings she has purchased from me and how they contribute to, and support, her personal healing journey.
In 2014, I began purchasing works by Susan Aaron. Each year since, I have added to my personal collection of her artwork. I have found they have provided me with spiritual support and guidance on my life journey.
An early purchase was "Golden Moon" . . .
and later I added "Forgiveness" as its companion. It is now hung overlooking my bed . . .
I have found that both paintings have resonance in my healing journey of self-forgiveness and trusting my path. These paintings have been guides and sign posts for me as I have made my way.
I have made a conscious decision to share a very vulnerable, personal and powerful process that I have recently experienced. What recently emerged from a dream was a deeply repressed and rooted "agreement" I had made when I was 19 - to never love again! The following letter is one I have written to myself to mark my insight and further my healing journey.
Dear Me, Wounded, scared and insecure me. Hurting and healing me. I am blessed to be knowing you more and more. I am so sorry for all the pain and loneliness you've been through. I’m so sorry for all the hurt and rejection you have endured. I am so sorry for all the moments you were lost and all the moments that we so desperately wanted to feel loved and loveable. We simply wanted to be valued, cared for, seen, protected, chosen, safe, and worthy. We used substitutes in an attempt to feel, to have and experience all that we deeply desired, deserved and needed, but feared we lacked. We ended up with painful rejection, abandonment and betrayal instead.
I am so sorry and sad that you felt you, your feelings, needs, or desires didn’t matter. It’s not true. You matter deeply to me. You were conditioned to believe you only mattered when you were of use to, and approved of, by others. You came to believe you would only be hurt by love. But, this was not truly LOVE.
Your remedy became cutting yourself off from this source of pain. That self-punishment was fueled by self-blame. The pain of chronic rejection of your essential and true nature blocked your confidence. This was not your fault, as confidence is your birthright.
I am so proud of you and amazed by you! You did an amazing job in surviving so much pain. Now the time has come to truly and deeply trust. It’s time to release the vow to never allow love into your heart. It’s now truly safe to LOVE, and be LOVED.
I remember the moment when you made that vow as if it was yesterday. We had just been abandoned by the one who was supposed to love and support us.
I’m so sorry we had no one in our life to help us cope. At that time, we had so much pain to endure. One way we got through it was by believing it didn't matter - an extension of feeling that we (and all that went along with being us) didn’t matter. This protected us from the sting of rejection. By rejecting all that deeply mattered the most to us, we were trying to control the pain and possible negative outcomes by totally cutting ourselves off from LOVE.
Now you have me and I wholeheartedly LOVE you. You have so many others as well, who truly and deeply LOVE you. Now you know that you can befriend the pain and use the pain to heal your heart.
From this vow, we were catapulted into years of extreme behavior because we had no idea how to manage life otherwise. You felt it was all your fault because of your feared and felt sense of "badness." Yet you, my dear parts, were totally ill-equipped. You had no idea how it could ever feel, or be different. That’s not true anymore. I forgive you, and us. Will you forgive me? Together, may we release this vow?
On this day, we hereby break the vow to never allow LOVE. This vow was made for true and justified reasons. We were unaware of other solutions for the pain. I now invite all the parts of myself that have been bound by this vow to release the chains. I hold the key - which is LOVING myself enough to deeply trust. I now pronounce this vow dissolved. May it return to the source of its origin, be released with healing LOVE and LIGHT, and transmuted by growth and completion. And, so it is . . .
May the world and all beings be blessed with true LOVE and HEALING - and may it begin with . . . ME!